Feb. 14, 2012 at 4:32pm
going to watch chungking express later because that movie is 100 times this movie and minus half an hour
Okay, I need to take some things off my chest about this movie (“Why did you watch it?” you might ask, and that is a very valid question, and my answer is that I am not a valid person, and am, in fact, a bit of a masochist.): Everyone in this movie deserves to be alone except for Ginnifer Goodwin who deserves a lot better. This movie somehow made Scarlet Johansson skinny dipping in a pool unappealing. Bradley Cooper, when trying not to act like the smuggest douche bag, comes off as an even smuggester douche bag. I still don’t understand why that guy from Entourage was in the entire movie. It made me hate Justin Long more than 75% of his arc on New Girl. Really wished David Bowie would kidnap Jennifer Connelly away from this movie. Either in his Jareth garb or no (but, hey, if in Jareth garb, bring all the Muppets because every movie that doesn’t have Muppets could use Muppets). A moral of this movie is apparently: “If your husband is cheating on you, you obviously haven’t had enough sex, so have sex with him in his office (which, by the way, has a wall of just windows and don’t bother closing them at all), preferably while the woman who he is cheating on you with and who he was about to fuck is hiding in the file closet in the room.” The movie takes place in Baltimore but there are like, maybe, five black people in the entire movie? That really broke my suspension of disbelief. Like, I buy more that Scarlett Johansson is a yoga instructor/singer, but no. No, seriously, I’m pretty sure the exterior for Jennifer Connely’s apartment was also the exterior for a Barksdale stash house on The Wire. “Somewhere Only We Know” by Keane was used on the soundtrack, and MySpace was name-checked, so I’m fairly certain this movie was made in 2005. The movie wants to make Ben Affleck’s “no marriage” stance into something progressive, but also hates it, so when Jennifer Aniston eventually says that she’s okay with not being married, he immediately proposes to her (the moral here, ladies, is that if a guy says he doesn’t believe in marriage, then you also say you don’t believe in marriage, so that he’ll marry you.) I didn’t realize the movie was 2 hours long?

Okay, I need to take some things off my chest about this movie (“Why did you watch it?” you might ask, and that is a very valid question, and my answer is that I am not a valid person, and am, in fact, a bit of a masochist.):

  • Everyone in this movie deserves to be alone except for Ginnifer Goodwin who deserves a lot better.
  • This movie somehow made Scarlet Johansson skinny dipping in a pool unappealing.
  • Bradley Cooper, when trying not to act like the smuggest douche bag, comes off as an even smuggester douche bag.
  • I still don’t understand why that guy from Entourage was in the entire movie.
  • It made me hate Justin Long more than 75% of his arc on New Girl.
  • Really wished David Bowie would kidnap Jennifer Connelly away from this movie. Either in his Jareth garb or no (but, hey, if in Jareth garb, bring all the Muppets because every movie that doesn’t have Muppets could use Muppets).
  • A moral of this movie is apparently: “If your husband is cheating on you, you obviously haven’t had enough sex, so have sex with him in his office (which, by the way, has a wall of just windows and don’t bother closing them at all), preferably while the woman who he is cheating on you with and who he was about to fuck is hiding in the file closet in the room.”
  • The movie takes place in Baltimore but there are like, maybe, five black people in the entire movie? That really broke my suspension of disbelief. Like, I buy more that Scarlett Johansson is a yoga instructor/singer, but no.
  • No, seriously, I’m pretty sure the exterior for Jennifer Connely’s apartment was also the exterior for a Barksdale stash house on The Wire.
  • “Somewhere Only We Know” by Keane was used on the soundtrack, and MySpace was name-checked, so I’m fairly certain this movie was made in 2005.
  • The movie wants to make Ben Affleck’s “no marriage” stance into something progressive, but also hates it, so when Jennifer Aniston eventually says that she’s okay with not being married, he immediately proposes to her (the moral here, ladies, is that if a guy says he doesn’t believe in marriage, then you also say you don’t believe in marriage, so that he’ll marry you.)
  • I didn’t realize the movie was 2 hours long?